This is Satire. Not the Saturday Evening Post
© 2001

An exclusive interview with the real Arttworks, by arttworks.

Well the first questions got to be "why arttworks" I understand the "art" part, but what the hell is a "tworks"?

Do I have to explain, I mean no one ever asked Batman, Why bat-man?

That might have been true for the old Batman, but I think someone did ask the new Batman. Besides even the super-heros of old were plagued by people wondering "who was that masked man?".

But why do people care, isn't what a super hero does, more important than who, and how.

Well as a superhero you should know that the bad guys would like to "get you out of the way" by exposing your secret identity. You must realize that if everybody knew that Underdog was a shoeshine boy on drugs that he would become unrespectable and his career as a defender of "good things" would have been over.

I heard that when he ran out of "energy pills" he became a drunk, and in the end got run over by a old lady speeding to get to a one hour yarn sale. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth all the trouble? (sigh)

I think that maybe if we explain that you are me, when you aren't you, and that what I do, when you are not doing your thing, is not really any of their business, or relevant to your activities-- maybe they will quit trying to get to you, by going after me.

It is clear to see why I got picked between the two of us to wear the super suit. How stupid are you? If everybody had respect for logical things like "ethical principles" I wouldn't have to do this "save the world" stuff in the first place. I am thinking that the best solution would be for me to kill you and just be a superhero full time. Than I would have no wimpy secret identity to protect.

You waste all my free time, and spare money, on pursuing the impossible dream of "truth, a more navigable web, and justice for all", and you think I'm the problem. And to think I was thinking of buying you a new computer. You know it's not exactly my definition of a good time to have to explain to the Mayor why he is getting hate mail about me-- I mean you. And having to explain to people who ask me to do them a web page that, they might be victim of some public ridicule or "hi-jinx" if certain evil forces find out I had something to do with there site, has not exactly been good for business.

Have you forgotten my "BS vision". We both know that I am wearing last year's Underoos because "starving recluse artist" was not a brilliant career move. Besides if I didn't use up some of your free time you would just end up doing more "for free" stuff for some other ungrateful jerky group or person. The fact is you are just holding me back, if I were a full time super hero I could probably get some hot rich chick like Kim Bassinger or Sharon Stone to be my side kick, and I could use her money to buy some super hardware more befitting my extremely powerful persona. You expect me to save the internet with a crapy 233 mhz computer with a bad floppy interface, and a cd drive that dims the lights when it fires up-- And I am supposed to feel sorry for you because a few nuts think it's OK to make free speech unafordable.

I have always suspected you were doing the superhero thing just to impress the girls. Maybe people "should" ignore what you have to say and just concentrate on trying to prove somehow that you have "rotten" motives.

Like people need proof? Remember what happened when you talked me into "cooling" the official town site in the Mendham NJ category at Dumboz. The facts and circumstances didn't matter, and even Mr. Spocks logic couldn't stop them from labeling you a spamer. Even to this day that jerk Andrew references your short stay at domoz implying that you did something wrong.

You are right about that. Speaking of Andrew, doesn't he remind you of that stupid newspaper boss who was always trying to prove spiderman was a bad guy.

Yea what a jerk, I might be a big failure as a superhero, but I sure am glad I am not that stupid jerk. When I get depressed it always makes me feel better to think about all the stupid jerks I am glad I am not. I think about how embarrassed I would be, being such a big jerk, and about what it would be like to be lying on your death bed and have to face the fact that your life was just a big jerky waste.

Hay, I do the same thing. Although we argue a lot, I guess we do have a lot in common.

Yea, we both think Andrew is a big jerk.

The jerkiest.

I am feeling better maybe you should try asking me another question.

OK, What do you consider your greatest accomplishment as a superhero, to be?

Couldn't you ask an easier question, like what's it like to be a super wonderful person? I mean I don't go around asking you how many Sistine chapels you panted today. --especially in public.

Look if I just ask you easy questions I would look like as big a sell out as a "journalist" as that jerk Andrew who is always kissing some search engines ass. Can't I be the one with Super integrity once in a wile? Why don't I ever get to use any of the super powers?

Oh not that old "you never let me use any of the super powers" rant. OK, I will answer the stupid question. I guess my greatest accomplishment is the fact that I have only paid about $15 a month for my AOL account ($22 value) for years. So when they go belly up you will know who to thank.

That's incredible how did you do it?

Well once I learned that they will always ask you back within days of canceling your account, with the offer of another free month. I used my "superlogic" to figure out that if I canceled every couple of months I could get 4 or 5 free months a year. Most of the time just threatening to quit would be enough to get them to pony up the free month.

Wow, how long do you think it will take for the lost revenue to drive them out of business?

Well I am thinking it should be any day now, and when people find out that I personally drove both AOL and out of business. I am going to start getting fan mail instead of all these threats "to make my life hell." And when I tell people that I can fix the internet they will start believing that I do have the "superpowers" to do it, instead of calling me a nut.

I have to say I am so impressed, and very sorry for the stuff I said before about your motives. I didn't realize you were working on such a great master plan, and I am sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?

Well it would be nice if you cleaned up the "Art Hut", I know you can't afford to buy an Alfred to spend all day buffing and dusting-- but it isn't going to look good if 60 minutes comes knocking on the door and the place looks like I grew up in a ratty trailer park or something.

I will get right on it Mr. Arttworks

And by the way do you think we could have something besides macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight?